The MoT Top 10: The Twenty-Ninth

Top 10 Things that De Doesn't Like

As difficult as it was, I did my best to rank these from least to most disliked:

10) Bad puns (sorry Mi). Although almost completely arbitrary, my system for distinguishing good puns from bad employs one rule that has proven true: no pun that includes the word "pun" is worth saying. 

9) Liking/favoriting your own posts

A-Rod's true love

8) Hashtags in texts. Those who participate in this reprehensible activity clearly don't understand the hashtag's function. The occasional hashtag in a text as a joke, alright, but meaningless hashtagging has got to stop. Unfortunately, it may be too late; the hashtag disease has spread to spoken communication:

7) Selfies in which you can see the camera.

The real joke is on whoever made this. This is clearly an iPhone 4 or newer, which has a front-facing camera. 

6) Really bad/non-segues in a comedy routine:

"And I told my buddy, 'The aliens will never come back if you don't stop making up abduction stories........So I was chatting up this old lady at a Megadeth concert the other day'"

5) This might hurt to type: irregardless. It bothers me that Blogger didn't want to spell-check that. If you Google this nonword (that it spell-checks.....), the first definition you will see is "regardless". While I enjoy the hopefully satirical intent behind such a definition, I would prefer something along the lines of:

Your search - irregardless - did not match any documents.

Suggestions:

• Try regardless
• Try regardless
• Try fucking yourself

4) Things that can't be organized in a list format. Nice job idealized Google^.

3) Vanilla ice cream. What is so great about vanilla ice cream? Nothing, it's vanilla. By definition it has no special qualities; lacks distinction and is ordinary. Next.

2) "Expresso". This abomination ranks highly due to my recent hiring at Starbucks. It's astonishing how often "espresso" is mispronounced by customers and even partners.

1) The Oxford (serial) comma. Having a comma precede a linking word in series is annoying, redundant and useless. If you ever witness an oxford comma in a De-approved sentence.......I can't think of a punishment appropriately unpleasant enough for such a crime. Perhaps a lifetime sentence of oxford comma use ;)

-De

The MoT Top 10: The Twenty-Sixth

This week's Top 10 is brought to you by a good friend of ours and a long time member of the MoT Nation. We give you, El!

Top 10 Worst Ways to Hit on a Girl

Flirting can be fun and exciting, but the goal should always be not to completely creep out a girl.  Some of these may or may not be real experiences of mine…

10) Telling her she's a buttaface.

9) Pronouncing her name wrong

8) Trying to holla at a girl when she is with her dad

7) Drunken Facebook messaging like "wgasts up sedxy! Wannfa talkj dirtyu?"

6) Claiming to be 15 years younger and trying to go for the girl that is 20 years younger than you

5) With the line, "Hey girl, I'd love to see you lick a popsicle topless"

4) Creeping on the new girl at work and asking her out via e-mail

3) Asking a girl if she can smell steroids on you

2) Sending a Snapchat video of your junk to a girl you've never met

1) Spotting a cute girl at a store and following her to her car when she is alone and it is dark outside; asking her out will not only result in some version of "hell no", but she may be armed and ready to use some highly potent pepper spray.....

-El

The Making of a MoT Top 10

Waaaaay back when DeMi used to write Top 10s on a weekly basis, we usually brainstormed over late-night phone conversations. The eleventh MoT Top 10, however, we discussed over Facebook instead. It is the creation of that Top 10 we would like to share. Below is the beginning of that conversation and the entirety of it is embedded as well as provided through a link to the same Google Doc.

Mi

De

april is gonna be the month to smash records brah
alright which top 10 do you wanna do?



I want to do.....
what are my options

the current one,
any other one you think of

not at the moment mon frere
we stopped doing the stick to the man one right



go to a bar order a cocktail on the rocks, finish it, take it outside and sell the melted ice to minors
do you have a good one for that?



no

ah lol
Top 10 Things Toddlers Don't Have to Worry About

ooooh
shitting their pants

sucking tits



regularly
toddlers?
tho



peeing on trees
loll
yeah you're right

we can change it to babies

Easter is on Sunday
Top 10 Things Jesus Would Not Do

uh oh

lol

Picket Funerals

1) Mary Magdelene

ohhhhhhhh
nice lol

thanks

secular
easter bunnies

wear shoes

lol

wear pants



swim

speak in ebonics

catch only one fish

lol

alright we're doing this one


https://drive.google.com/?pli=1&authuser=0#my-drive




New Top 10 coming this Sunday!

-DeMi

Privacy, Xbox One, NSA, and More

Xbox One with the all-seeing Kinect.

The Xbox One, or Xbone, as many affectionately like to call it, is receiving a lot of flak for how it has handled the press and different release statements it has made, and rightly so. Even the Xbox fanboys of yore are seriously considering turning to the PS4 or PC gaming because of all the BS they've seen in these past 4 months.

First, the Xbox One release event was terrible. If you were to ask a layman what the event was about, they would think Microsoft was trying to pitch a new-fangled cable box. This is one of the many ways they are alienating their fan base, Another way is they are coming out with a DRM (Digital Rights Management) method so that the Xbone must connect to the internet every 24 hours in order to play the games you have bought. Yep, that's right. Of course, their whole front is piracy protection, but really all Microsoft wants to do is run the secondary game market out of business. Beyond that, it is rumored you can only transfer a game once and it must be to a friend that has been on your list for more than 30 days. No more late-night, craigslist-joyriding to buy a copy of your favorite video game at a sketchy gas station.

Fake Sony CEO Twitter account prodding fun

So far it does not look good for Microsoft and the Xbox camp. Which leads me into my next topic: the NSA. This past week we have heard a good deal about the NSA and its spy program called PRISM.

The True American Patriot

Whistleblower Eric Snowden, or as many are starting to hail him, "The True American Patriot", revealed the fact that at any given time, he was able to wiretap whomever he wanted from his desk; whether it be the president of the United States, Oprah, Joe the Plumber, or Sarah Palin's secret lover (if I read the Enquirer correctly).

Boom. Hacked

Not only were they able to listen in on phone conversations, but Snowden claims they were are able to intercept whatever form of communication they please. Including email, Facebook, texts, and much more. In fact, Microsoft has had relations with the U.S. government since 2007 . It is known that Skype, since purchased by Microsoft, has actually become less secure with various vulnerabilities allowed for so that the NSA can bring about justice, at least to your late night Skype date.

Is the NSA really worried about what individuals might be doing? Probably not. The law of large numbers allows some protection there, until you start automating the spying. Allowing massive supercomputers to act on algorithms to point out "alertable events". So even though the NSA can not employ an army of watchdogs, they will certainly be able to build the robots, if not already.

Thankfully, Mr. Snowden stepped in. But in the grand scheme of things, this will only be a minor roadblock in the way of government surveillance. With bills such as CISPA and SOPA/PIPA becoming regular

Write your congressman!

conversations in Congress, it's possible the government would want to intervene and put similar regulations in place. As the Patriot Act of a decade ago has crippled some of American's Liberties, these new cyber laws might cut them down further.

This plays out badly for Microsoft because of their partnership with the U.S. government. The release of the Xbox One in November and the rumor that the included Kinect might always have to be turned on illustrate an Orwellian nightmare waiting to unravel. Having a viewing party to watch Netflix on your TV streaming through your Xbox could result in to a hefty penalty, because by law you can only have 6 people watching one copy of a movie.  And don't get me started on those creepy ideas to implement commercials based on the ambient noises your Kinect picks up.

Privacy is becoming a luxury, and one that even money can't buy.

-Mi

The MoT Top 10: The Twenty-Second

It's a great day for America! (Read in Craig Ferguson's voice)
Today marks the return of the MoT Top 10!

Jubilee by Mi

Unorthodox Preface to Jubilee by Mi

In no way doth Jubilee refer to the Queen of England. As a minor preamble or aside I would like to make that clear. It is known that the Supreme Reigner of the Britons enjoys her Diamond Jubilees, but again this minor word association that casually sprang to your tongue is in fact coincidental (and I forgive you). I realize that the Top 10 might contain a minor jab at a Queen, coincidentally from the same country as that Queen...

Even further and more to the needletip we delve in to the awe-inspiring rhyme scheme of the work of art itself. The ABA CDD scheme verily sends tremors that transcend the poetic world.  It is not a mere coincidence that Edgar or Emily are proverbially "rolling in their graves", because in fact this ground breaking moment might just give them reason enough to wake up.

This third and last paragraph, yet never bland, is reserved for all my haters. Yu said I couldn't pull of an unorthodox preface to a poem that is longer than the actual poem, well poo to you. Thei said I would not be able to adopt a giraffe, well read up on the new statutes on importing goods specifically Statute 156.3.C regarding spott-ed or strip-ed (read stripe ed) sub-saharan-African-creatures. I don't want to have haters that can't even read. I want hipster, barista, haters that hated before there were emotions.

Jubilee O Jubilee there will be had
If this list turns out
and isn't bad.

Woketh from the blue
so scream and shout
New Top 10 is finally out!

Top 10 Worst Things to Collect

10) Toupees (with all the money you'll spend, you can afford implants)

9) Facebook friends (a virtual social life is synonymous to an imaginary one)

8) STDs, STI's...acronyms really

7) Get out of jail free cards

6) Pounds: fat, British and hashtags #calmthefuckdownwiththosethings 

5) Countries (ask the Queen of England, she has plenty of free time)

4) Airbud sequels

3) Lawn gnomes

2) Condoms (everyone will know you're not having sex)

1) Calls

Wait what?

-DeMi

no title is sufficient

Here it is, the of course highly anticipated list of apps more useful than the pimple popper app, an app that I recently discovered and was forced to download so that I could more completely make fun of it. First, in order to gain perspective or perhaps for me to brainwash you, here is a couple reasons not to take the time to press "install".

-It can lead to an, obsessive approach to your own appearance, being that this app is actually a game that has you search for the pimples on the cartoon's face.
-It promotes a habit that is detrimental to the long-term health of your skin, since anyone who has ever developed acne scars knows that popping is the cause.

Also if you paid for this, oh, no need to address this audience, as there is no way you have the ability to read, let alone the capacity to understand this blog at this level of dumbassness.

The Apps:
Shut-up Sarah Palin app, for obvious reasons (this app has mute and elevator music options for any Sarah Palin-like noise in the room).

Justin Bieber app..... my bad, this is exponentially worse. I don't mean to jump on the anti-Justin Bieber bandwagon, which at this point is more of a band-caravan, and with good reason. I want to interview Mr. Usher Raymond, an artist who I consider the heir to throne of the king of pop, to ask what he is trying to prove with Justin Bieber. Finding a sixteen year old whose balls haven't dropped yet is not good enough of a reason. Some I'm sure would accuse me of being jealous, so to you 14 year old girls I say, I am jealous; I am jealous that someone with considerably less talent than the majority of my college choir gets a disgusting amount of attention. In short, dammit and you suck, Usher and Justin Bieber, respectively..........lwl.

Paper Towel app, for feelings of malice toward your touchscreen, or maybe you have a really stupid friend and a really cruel sense of humor

Feel free to submit any more useless app ideas either here or on our Facebook page http://www.facebook.com/group.php?gid=114967765217583; the Justin Bieber hating grew tiring.

Pre-afterthought: We, the Mi and me, have been submitting some videos to our Facebook friends, and were going to start a vlogging "experience", or something, called "The So Late it's Early Show", however this has been taken, by multiple groups, actually, which I suppose makes it seem less clever. Anyway, we will conjure up something, to make our musings even more available to you.

Afterthought: Craig Ferguson is funny in an ironic way; it's ironic that David Letterman is a comedian.

Post Afterthought: Irony requires false analogies.

-De

subtlety is an enabler

in the celebration of e.e. cummings (best last name ever), i will abuse the rules of capitalization. this tribute is due to a very inspiring poem given to my college choir by our director, that simplified performing for me. the poem is titled "open your heart" which i will share with you:

open your heart:


i'll give you a treasure

of tiniest world

a piece of forever with



summitless younger than

angels are mounains

rivery forests

towerful towns(queen



poet king float

sprout heroes of moonstar

flutter to and

swim blossoms of person)through



musical shadows while hunted

by daemons

seethe luminous

leopards(on wingfeet of thingfear)



come ships go

snowily sailing

perfect silence.

Absolute ocean
 
 
-e.e. cummings (1894-1962)
 
 
i do not have much experience in interpreting poetry, but i think the ambiguity here is completely personal. cummings (makes me lwl every time) submits to this writing style often, but here i think it is especially effective. he is indubitably forcing the readers to open their hearts to his words, to make them as personal and self-revealing as they were to him.
 
this exhibits what my director has been telling the choir for years, that he will not limit us to his meaning of a particular piece, but instead asks us to do this of our own accord. this makes each performance personally meaningful, and therefore each performance altogether greater.
 
i didn't want to blog today, i probably shouldn't be doing so, being that I have deadlines, but michael forced my hand. stop typing. dammit michael! this is a respone to mi's previous post:

mi, i agree with you. this facebook fad is distracting from the real problem. it's only really a medium for facebook to seem socially conscious. the more subtly you approach a glaring issue, the less effect you will have on it. please stop understating the severity of child abuse by feigning action against it.

-de