The MoT Top 10: The Twenty-Ninth

Top 10 Things that De Doesn't Like

As difficult as it was, I did my best to rank these from least to most disliked:

10) Bad puns (sorry Mi). Although almost completely arbitrary, my system for distinguishing good puns from bad employs one rule that has proven true: no pun that includes the word "pun" is worth saying. 

9) Liking/favoriting your own posts

A-Rod's true love

8) Hashtags in texts. Those who participate in this reprehensible activity clearly don't understand the hashtag's function. The occasional hashtag in a text as a joke, alright, but meaningless hashtagging has got to stop. Unfortunately, it may be too late; the hashtag disease has spread to spoken communication:

7) Selfies in which you can see the camera.

The real joke is on whoever made this. This is clearly an iPhone 4 or newer, which has a front-facing camera. 

6) Really bad/non-segues in a comedy routine:

"And I told my buddy, 'The aliens will never come back if you don't stop making up abduction stories........So I was chatting up this old lady at a Megadeth concert the other day'"

5) This might hurt to type: irregardless. It bothers me that Blogger didn't want to spell-check that. If you Google this nonword (that it spell-checks.....), the first definition you will see is "regardless". While I enjoy the hopefully satirical intent behind such a definition, I would prefer something along the lines of:

Your search - irregardless - did not match any documents.

Suggestions:

• Try regardless
• Try regardless
• Try fucking yourself

4) Things that can't be organized in a list format. Nice job idealized Google^.

3) Vanilla ice cream. What is so great about vanilla ice cream? Nothing, it's vanilla. By definition it has no special qualities; lacks distinction and is ordinary. Next.

2) "Expresso". This abomination ranks highly due to my recent hiring at Starbucks. It's astonishing how often "espresso" is mispronounced by customers and even partners.

1) The Oxford (serial) comma. Having a comma precede a linking word in series is annoying, redundant and useless. If you ever witness an oxford comma in a De-approved sentence.......I can't think of a punishment appropriately unpleasant enough for such a crime. Perhaps a lifetime sentence of oxford comma use ;)

-De

Russian Roulette

I am not even going to pretend I'm good at programming. However,  I will say that this project was fun to put together. I think VBS or Visual Basic Script is one of the easiest if not easiest programming languages to learn, so I made a program that simulates Russian Roulette. You enter how many players you want to play and then put in their names. The program will then randomly generate a number that will decide if the next person is dead or not. After it goes through every bullet (more guns/bullets) if playing with more than 6 people it will tell you if they died or not. At the end, it prints out all the survivors and all the dead. It was cool experimenting around with arrays and for loops, because it saves a lot of time and when it all works you feel like a wizard. Like I said I'm a novice.

There are some flaws in the program. For example, if you are playing with n>6 people the program plays as if it has a Ceiling(n/6)*6 chambered gun instead of Ceiling(n/6) 6 chambered guns. This slight variation might make a difference because the chances can be greater than or less than 1/6 (most importantly greater than) for a random distribution along the line. We can talk to Putin about how Russian Roulette works with n>6 people. Also, the way the code is setup is the player dies if the randomly generated number is < than n+1 bullets. And I had to make the number of chambers remaining go down accordingly. So, in a large n case we are able to see a uniform distribution of people dying. I am not sure why it doesn't print out all the names; perhaps there is a character limit. Here's to version 2.0!

'############################RUSSIAN ROULETTE##################################
msgbox "Welcome to Russian Roulette, the game of your life!"
count = inputbox("How many players?")

Function Ceil(x)
    If Round(x) = x Then
        Ceil = x
    Else
        Ceil = Round(x + 0.5)
    End If
End Function
'thank you random internet post for this ceiling function ^^

bullets = Cstr(ceil(count/6))
chambers=(ceil(count/6))*6
msgbox "You will be playing with "+ Cstr(ceil(count/6)) +" standard 6 chamber revolver(s)"
guns = ceil(count/6)
dim player()

for i = 1 to count
ReDim Preserve player(i)
player(Cstr(i))= inputbox("Please enter " + "Player "+ Cstr(i)+"'s name")
if player(Cstr(i))="" then
player(Cstr(i))="Player "+Cstr(i)
end if
if count > 1002 then
msgbox "This will surely be too tedious, Shirley."
i = count
count = 0
end if
aglom = aglom + player(i) + ", "
next

msgbox aglom + " this is it. This is Russian Roulette. Dun Dun Dunnnnn!"
Randomize()


for i = 1 to count
newchambers= chambers-(i-1)
'pickgun = CInt(Int((guns * Rnd()) + 1))
pick = CInt(Int((newchambers * Rnd()) + 1))
'msgbox Cstr(pick)+" bullets"+Cstr(bullets)
if pick < bullets+1 then
msgbox player(i)+ " is dead. BANG!"
aglommm=aglommm+" "+ player(i)+" "
bullets=bullets-1
if bullets= 0 then
for k = (i+1) to count
leftover= leftover +player(k)+" "
next
end if
else
msgbox "Click! "+ player(i)+" lives"
aglomm= aglomm+ player(i) + " "
end if
if bullets= 0 then
i=count
end if
next

msgbox "game over, congratulations to the survivors: " + aglomm + leftover
if aglommm <> "" then
msgbox "And" + aglommm+", not feeling so Russian, huh?"
end if

'###########################RUSSIAN ROULETTE###################################

To play this super fun violent game, just copy the above code into a notepad. Windows only, sorry. Then save the file as RussianRoulette.vbs. Or just make sure the file extension is .vbs
Next change "Save As Type" in the drop down to "All files"
Leave encoding as "ANSI"

Now find the file you saved and double click on it and it should run!

In the DeMi test trial, I unfortunately died. It was but a flesh-wound as I am all better now.

Cheers,

Mi!

The Random How To: Driving in India

Quite simply: Don't.

Otherwise if you enjoy harrowing experiences, near-death and otherwise, just follow this quick guide that will have you on or off the road in no time!

Lines Lines Lines

This Indian man said to me: 'Indians don't drive on the left or the right. They drive on what is left." A truer statement has never been uttered. If you are a Westerner, or are accustomed to 2 lane roads in general, you would take it as a general understanding that lanes and medians exist for a reason. In India, it is best that you treat these "lines" on the road as two-dimensional abstract art. The only reason that you are driving here as opposed to there is that there might be a 10 ton bus coming your way, there are trees larger than a sapling, or you don't plan on off-roading, because you find yourself without your Jeep.

Need to get there faster? No one is in the oncoming traffic "lane". No worries, just cruise down the shoulder/pedestrian walkway/construction zone lane for awhile. All others are clearly idiots for not thinking of this prime opportunity.

"Horn OK Please"

Truck drivers legitimately appreciate you alerting them with your horn. Hence this phrase.

Do you ever feel the irresistible urge to just lay on the horn for 10 seconds at a time? Wellll chief, in India, it is your right, and damn well expected. Like bats, most experienced drivers in India have a 6th sense-- echolocation. More useful than mirrors, you must learn to rely on your ears to know when someone is entering your blind spot. 

Is That Yo' Weave? How to 2 Wheel it in India

Mopeds and Motorcycles are highly popular in India. First off, if you can't fit your entire family on a motorcycle, you are clearly doing something wrong.

This is a family vehicle. Minivans are for yuppie moms.

Second, if you are on of these two wheeled motorized vehicles you have several advantages. You don't have to pay tolls. And the most notable advantage. Weaving. You can go to L.A. and think that the motorcycles there are ridiculous. But here, the motorcycles are going 2-3 deep between cars, buses and trucks. If there is a 1 foot gap, you damn right better go through or someone else will. In months you will learn how to navigate gridlocked traffic like a champ! Just remember to use your horn.

Stop lights? More like go lights!

Now we are getting to the finer nuances of Indian driving. A stoplight is ahead and the light looks red, but you can't really tell, because everyone else around you is apparently color deficient. These traffic lights are more of a game of momentum. Are there more cars going in your direction or are there more cars intersecting? Are you feeling lucky? Do you have a foghorn equipped in your boot? These are all careful considerations to take as you check out that intersection. The most important thing to consider is if you never go, you won't make it to the other side.

Attaining Your Drivers License

Yes you do need a driver's license to drive in India. Oh and interesting tidbit I'll throw in here that's only really important, but because they are an ex-British colony they drive on the left. Hope that's ok. 

To acquire your Indian's driver's license you pay about 300 Indian Rupees ($5) in processing fees, submit several passport photos of yourself or someone that looks like you, and allegedly take a test. Though from what I have heard is that all they do is take your money...Safe to say, I don't really want to drive in India.

-Mi

Here are some more Random How To's that might interest you!
Interrogating Piranhas

How to Properly Conduct Business With Aliens