Not Another Random How To: How to Dress Like a Gangsta

I was going to just post this on MoT nation or the ReMusings page, then I thought (actual internal dialogue), "No, this is worth posting to the site".

So, in case you were looking for it, I found the whitest article on the internet. The clincher is the "Warning" section:

http://www.wikihow.com/Dress-Like-a-Gangsta

Assuming you've read and possibly laughed your way through the above, I have two bits of insight to share. If you are searching the internet for "how to dress like a gangsta" 1) you're not a gangster and 2) it's too late for you to become one.

Lack of an apostrophe
That's pretty gangsta

Now you may be wondering, "How might De have come upon this article? Does he perhaps aspire to be a gangster?"

Wow. Ridiculous questions.

For further entertainment, imagine the above article in the voice of Herbert the Pervert. Also, consider reading:

"How to Dress Like a Puerto Rican Gangsta"

This article actually suggests not listening to others, rendering all practical use for this article impossible.  

-De

DE...EXPOSED!!

If you clicked and were expecting a compromising picture of De you can Snapchat him, and work that out between you two.

I have known this for awhile now, and after much consideration I think it is time for the world to know. It is time to release this well-kept secret. I am certain that most will not believe mi, but I assure you these are 100% facts.

Some backstory

De a.k.a whiteface (no seriously, in North Korea they gave him the epithet "whiteface", because when everyone had the same jumpsuit uniform on he clearly stood out because of his "white face). How whiteface came to America? Well not many really know. He tells most that it was by hardwork and perseverance, but as it will be presently revealed. Whiteface is in the direct lineage of Kim Jung Il, or more concisely he is Il's son and Un's younger brother. Exhale. Finally.

Some more backstory

Whiteface is in fact Korean. He was just unfortunately born, well white. There really is no explanation for it. Some say that this is all part of Kim Jong Un's legacy-  Kim Jong Un can have white children at will. Mr. Un lacked some foresight and realized no matter his fertile omnipotence it wasn't proper to have a white child. So in the dead of night. De was strapped to a Russian rocket and shot about 75 meters to sea where the South Koreans picked him up. Whiteface was immensely lucky he is white, since the South Koreans thought it was some Western dignitaries kidnapped child they just saved. Nope. As the they shopped the small child around the United Nations floor to see if anyone would claim him, a Sicilian man motioned to the Koreans. Not understanding each other in the slightest the Koreans gave the Sicilian man the child when in fact all he wanted was a smoke. The Sicilian interpreter then sent whiteface to go live in America with his distant cousins in Illinois.

Aside
I can see that your mind is wrought with skepticism. So many bold claims. Why did the Sicilian man not have his own cigarettes? I'll go piece by piece.

First and foremost it is important to note that De has always had an affinity for the late Kim Jong Il. In fact he was so much in denial when his father died that he made this post about it. Not to mention he adored his father so much he claimed over twenty ridiculous feats for his dear papa.

You might be also wondering, "no way did a North Korean rocket travel 75 meters." I'll admit this one is kind of hard to believe myself. But upon further review it was actually a Russian rocket they employed.

How did he survive the fall in to the sea? Don't be ridiculous is father is Kim Jong Il, whiteface would have been a demigod.

Why didn't the Sicilian have his own cigarettes on hand at the United Nations meeting? I can foresee receiving tons of flak for this one. Probably the biggest hole in my whole story. But see that day they were training new maids at the hotel the ambassadors were staying at. They simply got a little greedy and stole his pack of smokes. The ones I have salvaged and took a picture for you all as proof.

Proof

And so there it is. Airtight. Open and shut case on how De a.k.a. whiteface is North Korean and Kim Jong Il's son.

-Mi

The MoT Top 10: The Twenty-Ninth

Top 10 Things that De Doesn't Like

As difficult as it was, I did my best to rank these from least to most disliked:

10) Bad puns (sorry Mi). Although almost completely arbitrary, my system for distinguishing good puns from bad employs one rule that has proven true: no pun that includes the word "pun" is worth saying. 

9) Liking/favoriting your own posts

A-Rod's true love

8) Hashtags in texts. Those who participate in this reprehensible activity clearly don't understand the hashtag's function. The occasional hashtag in a text as a joke, alright, but meaningless hashtagging has got to stop. Unfortunately, it may be too late; the hashtag disease has spread to spoken communication:

7) Selfies in which you can see the camera.

The real joke is on whoever made this. This is clearly an iPhone 4 or newer, which has a front-facing camera. 

6) Really bad/non-segues in a comedy routine:

"And I told my buddy, 'The aliens will never come back if you don't stop making up abduction stories........So I was chatting up this old lady at a Megadeth concert the other day'"

5) This might hurt to type: irregardless. It bothers me that Blogger didn't want to spell-check that. If you Google this nonword (that it spell-checks.....), the first definition you will see is "regardless". While I enjoy the hopefully satirical intent behind such a definition, I would prefer something along the lines of:

Your search - irregardless - did not match any documents.

Suggestions:

• Try regardless
• Try regardless
• Try fucking yourself

4) Things that can't be organized in a list format. Nice job idealized Google^.

3) Vanilla ice cream. What is so great about vanilla ice cream? Nothing, it's vanilla. By definition it has no special qualities; lacks distinction and is ordinary. Next.

2) "Expresso". This abomination ranks highly due to my recent hiring at Starbucks. It's astonishing how often "espresso" is mispronounced by customers and even partners.

1) The Oxford (serial) comma. Having a comma precede a linking word in series is annoying, redundant and useless. If you ever witness an oxford comma in a De-approved sentence.......I can't think of a punishment appropriately unpleasant enough for such a crime. Perhaps a lifetime sentence of oxford comma use ;)

-De