The Random How To: How To Properly Conduct Business With Aliens

Now, I'm not talking about illegal aliens or people foreign to this country, I'm talking legitimate extra-terrestrials.

In this day and age we can not limit the scope of our business to the seven continents of this Earth. Like the pioneers before us, we must expand! Luckily, here at Musings on Tap, we will provide you with protips on how to handle inter-stellar transactions smoothly.

The Basics

This might come as a no-brainer, but aliens come in many different flavors. Their language, size, and visage will greatly differ. This can raise many quandaries. Such as: "How do I speak in their language?", "Are there any customs I should be aware of, what should I do when they start threatening me with their phasers?", "If they don't have a noticeable face, or in fact have multiple faces, what or which should I address?"

Ah yes, I should have made this how-to sooner as my inbox is flooded with these very questions.

How to Properly Conduct Business With an Alien

Alas. before I address all these questions I must inform you that the VERY first step is to watch every movie with aliens, ever.

In my personal interactions with aliens, they have acted eerily similar to the Hollywood portrayals of them. This includes Alien, Men in Black, E.T., and of course my personal favorite, Jimmy Neutron: Boy Genius (the movie).

Alright, so you just spent half of your life watching, crappy movies, now what?

I want you to take a step back, go in to exile, do some serious introspection, and embrace your inner alien. At an undisclosed time in the future you will slowly create an Alien Soul-- a unique identification and communication tool that connects the alien worlds. You can now interact with any alien. However, for this to work properly you must await first contact.

Unfortunately, this soul connection obeys the universal speed limit. This means those aliens that live more than 100 light years away (all of them) will take more time than you're alive to contact you.

Thank you for reading, and do stay tuned for my segment on how to live longer and undoubtedly prosper.

-Mi

The Random How To: Interrogating Piranhas

Welcome to a new segment I'd like to call the "Random How To" where I, Mi, will teach you how to do something ridiculous. Much unlike the "MoT Top 10" this segment, much as the name suggests, will be at random. Anywhos...

For this week's how-to we will be learning how to interrogate a piranha. In case you do not know, the  Pygocentrus nattereri  is a fish most commonly found in South American rivers. They are also found at zoos. A zoo is a gated community where rich animals live. They keep many human servants who wait on them, hand and foot...and fin.

Sup

Now surely you're asking yourself "Why would I want to interrogate a piranha?"

Easy. Piranhas kill an undisclosed amount of people EVERY YEAR. Proper interrogation techniques often used by the Amazonian Rangers can coax the fresh-water fish into disclosing their motives, secrets, and locations of dead bodies.

Alright alright. Now, how does one speak to a piranha?

Well, sirma'am you must be confused, if you would like to talk to animals this is clearly not the post for you. This post is about interrogating piranhas, let's not pretend we've discovered something magical.

Let's get down to it..

 How to Interrogate a Piranha

To be clear I've transcribed this from the audio notes I took in Spanish whilst in the Amazon, so things might be a bit vague, or fuzzy. But bear, or piranha, with me.

First you must locate the piranha in question.

Then, you MUST establish direct eye conctact. This might be a bit tricky, because as it turns out making eye contact with a fish is like trying to make eye contact with a cross-eyed guy.

Next, you want to slowly lower your "offering" in to the water.
  Note: the lowering must be at a constant velocity, and in case there are other piranhas in the area you must make clear that the offering is solely for the one.


Oh, this part's important too. The "offering" can be any part of your body that is still attached and that you are willing to part with. Unfortunately they are not attracted to extremities that haven't been severed by the piranha's own accord.

Gazes still interlocked with your fishy friend? It's a must! Or else the previous step will have been all for naught. Now that you have sated the fish's voracious appetite you can proceed with the interrogation.

To ask for a direction of say a body, or simply a good place to set up your lean-to: Stare straight at the fish, then slowly move your right eye in any which direction. If the fish breaks his gaze then what you seek is in the opposite direction, if he holds his gaze then you're face is about to be bitten off...

Unfortunately, after your face is bitten off there is no further recourse.

Thanks for reading! And do stay-tuned for my segment on how to interrogate a piranha without having your head bit off!

-Mi