The Random How To: How To Properly Conduct Business With Aliens

Now, I'm not talking about illegal aliens or people foreign to this country, I'm talking legitimate extra-terrestrials.

In this day and age we can not limit the scope of our business to the seven continents of this Earth. Like the pioneers before us, we must expand! Luckily, here at Musings on Tap, we will provide you with protips on how to handle inter-stellar transactions smoothly.

The Basics

This might come as a no-brainer, but aliens come in many different flavors. Their language, size, and visage will greatly differ. This can raise many quandaries. Such as: "How do I speak in their language?", "Are there any customs I should be aware of, what should I do when they start threatening me with their phasers?", "If they don't have a noticeable face, or in fact have multiple faces, what or which should I address?"

Ah yes, I should have made this how-to sooner as my inbox is flooded with these very questions.

How to Properly Conduct Business With an Alien

Alas. before I address all these questions I must inform you that the VERY first step is to watch every movie with aliens, ever.

In my personal interactions with aliens, they have acted eerily similar to the Hollywood portrayals of them. This includes Alien, Men in Black, E.T., and of course my personal favorite, Jimmy Neutron: Boy Genius (the movie).

Alright, so you just spent half of your life watching, crappy movies, now what?

I want you to take a step back, go in to exile, do some serious introspection, and embrace your inner alien. At an undisclosed time in the future you will slowly create an Alien Soul-- a unique identification and communication tool that connects the alien worlds. You can now interact with any alien. However, for this to work properly you must await first contact.

Unfortunately, this soul connection obeys the universal speed limit. This means those aliens that live more than 100 light years away (all of them) will take more time than you're alive to contact you.

Thank you for reading, and do stay tuned for my segment on how to live longer and undoubtedly prosper.

-Mi