The Random How To: How To Properly Conduct Business With Aliens

Now, I'm not talking about illegal aliens or people foreign to this country, I'm talking legitimate extra-terrestrials.

In this day and age we can not limit the scope of our business to the seven continents of this Earth. Like the pioneers before us, we must expand! Luckily, here at Musings on Tap, we will provide you with protips on how to handle inter-stellar transactions smoothly.

The Basics

This might come as a no-brainer, but aliens come in many different flavors. Their language, size, and visage will greatly differ. This can raise many quandaries. Such as: "How do I speak in their language?", "Are there any customs I should be aware of, what should I do when they start threatening me with their phasers?", "If they don't have a noticeable face, or in fact have multiple faces, what or which should I address?"

Ah yes, I should have made this how-to sooner as my inbox is flooded with these very questions.

How to Properly Conduct Business With an Alien

Alas. before I address all these questions I must inform you that the VERY first step is to watch every movie with aliens, ever.

In my personal interactions with aliens, they have acted eerily similar to the Hollywood portrayals of them. This includes Alien, Men in Black, E.T., and of course my personal favorite, Jimmy Neutron: Boy Genius (the movie).

Alright, so you just spent half of your life watching, crappy movies, now what?

I want you to take a step back, go in to exile, do some serious introspection, and embrace your inner alien. At an undisclosed time in the future you will slowly create an Alien Soul-- a unique identification and communication tool that connects the alien worlds. You can now interact with any alien. However, for this to work properly you must await first contact.

Unfortunately, this soul connection obeys the universal speed limit. This means those aliens that live more than 100 light years away (all of them) will take more time than you're alive to contact you.

Thank you for reading, and do stay tuned for my segment on how to live longer and undoubtedly prosper.

-Mi

The MoT Top 10: The Ninth

Top 10 Weighs too Annoy You're english Teacher
(Sorry Ms. Phillips)

10) Write your papers in a foreign language.

9) Create your own verb tense and insist on it's use.

8) Write your sentences from right to left. When asked about this, which you will be, be prepared to be a native of any Arabic, Hebrew, Chinese or Japanese speaking country.

7) Confuse you're homophones two the point of patency.

6) Call them out on plagiarism when they write specific examples from the novel you're reading on the board.

5) Write an essay explaining how and why your dog ate your essay. A paw print as a citation is a nice touch.

4) Take every opportunity given to correct your teacher grammatically and syntactically. They will pretend to appreciate it, but truthfully, this is their biggest pet-peeve.

3) Argue the existence of Shakespeare and claim that his works were those of many ghost writers under one pen name.

2) When asked to read aloud in class, pause longer than necessary at commas and don't stop at all at periods.

1) Again, when reading aloud, make offhand comments on the author's writing style. Also pose your own questions to the class and be sure to go off on extremely irrelevant tangents.

Honourable Mentions

Spell words the British way, yoghurt, flavour, crunchatise, colour and so on. Imagination is a bad thing in spelling, so here is a website to guide you. This should inspire a delightful conversation with your teacher where you can argue you are using English in a more pure form.

When another student answers a question, immediately ask "may I offer a rebuttal?".

Put emoticons in your papers.

The MoT Top 10: The Eighth

Top 10 News Headlines

10) "Iranese President, Mahmoud Ahmadinejad, Comes Out of Closet"

9) "Swing States Learn How to Mambo"

8) "Newt Gingrich's Identity Stolen, Returned Then Refused"

7) "No One Died Today"

6) "Serial Killer Seen Lurking at General Mills Headquarters"

5) "Walrus Swallowed By Man-Eating Walrus"

4) "Bob the Builder Can No More: Fired as Obama's Campaign Manager"

3) "Donald Trump: Not a U.S. Citizen"

2) "Man Dies in Poke War"

1) "Confirmed: Joseph of Nazareth Not the Father"


-DeMi